Must. Stay. Awake.
I utter those words, along with many other things related to my exhaustion, daily. The Keurig my husband had to have last Christmas has become my best friend & I am slowly beginning to learn that mom is sometimes spelled z-o-m-b-i-e.
Why, you ask? Well, many of you know I have a small infant. These little beings require lots of time & effort. I knew that when I "signed up" for this gig, but what I did not know was how long I would go without sleep for.
In the same way that no one tells you about many of the things you go through during pregnancy or labor & delivery, no one tells you so many of the things you will go through as a mother. & that's largely because all of these things are different for every mother along with every baby.
For example; One of my closest friends has an (almost) 8 month old. Her baby sleeps wonderfully. & by wonderfully, I mean through the night. Sure, sometimes he's fussy or fights sleep for an hour or two, but he sleeps more than 5 consecutive hours at a time on a daily basis (& that doesn't count growth spurts, wonder weeks, or wakeful cycles). I used to think, "wow, she's lucky." Now I think, "wow, I hate her." Not really, but sometimes I do wish I could be in her shoes.
I think in the past two weeks, I've gotten one night of more than 4 hours at a time of rest. & when I do get that sleep, it's glorious. It gets me through the next few nights of up every 2.
Anyway, the whole reason I'm writing this is because I actually have a second to myself. & it feels good to sit here, in the quiet, & write.
Why do I now enjoy the quiet? Well, my baby is what I would call high needs. She is demanding, exhausting, intense, demanding, unpredictable, etc. No, she is not my friends' babies. She is not quiet or giggly or even remotely satisfiable. She feeds frequently & will tell you what she needs...& not always nicely. She is draining & so, so fussy at times.
They say that high needs babies often come into families that have work to do. The work I think I have to do? Become more patient. & trust me - she is definitely testing my patience. But, God never gives you something you can't handle, right?
So, I've learned to embrace this little spit-fire I've got. Right now, she's all I've got. She made us a family & I will forever be in debt to her for that. So, yes, Elonah...I will pick you up when you cry, give you a bath before bedtime & always give you kisses, even when you refuse them. You are my angel & my little blessing.